Then there are two very similar, but IMO, complementary books, "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen [2], and "Crucial Conversations" by Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Kerry Patterson [3] which helped me learn to embrace being genuinely curious and accept + explain different, sometimes conflicting, emotions. It was especially helpful to help me deal with people who were very confrontational and tried to create conflict, and really difficult situations while conversing.
There have been some more books I've read, which I don't recall the titles for and don't even have notes for, but these 3 and "Never Split the Difference" you've mentioned were certainly the most interesting and helpful in this "area", to me.
[1]: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
[2]: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-...
[3]: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-...
I hope that helps!
The title is dorky, and suggests a topic that’s completely unrelated to OPs original question. But the answers are in there, written brilliantly, and is especially effective for people who like to
>> ...launch into a logical argument with them right there and then.
Personally, that book changed how I’ve approached such situations dramatically. I can not recommend this book strongly enough.
[0] https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
You will likely need to beef up communication skills. Get better at writing short but punchy emails, writing actionable meeting notes, know how to build PowerPoint decks that tell a good story, and can talk confidently in front of a crowd. Communication skills will help you further your agenda by getting others, especially non-technical folks, to align with you.
You need to focus more on your reputation in the company. This means being visible to other teams, taking as many opportunities as you can to meet new people in your organization, and ensuring that you get credited for the wins you bring about. (It also helps to just be more presentable, take this as an opportunity to class up your wardrobe. "Treat every day like it's a potential first date and you'll be fine," was the advice I got with my first manager position -- it was more criticism for wearing shorts and a soccer jersey like I had when I was a dev.)
You need to figure out who your key stakeholders are (it's not always as clear as just following your org chart), and understand the priorities of your company. Actively trying to understand other departments' KPIs will go a long way.
You need to figure out how to work with the people on your team. Determine who the high performers are, what they want, and how to keep them happy. Also have a game plan for correcting behavior you don't like.
If your company offers training in negotiation, even if you can grab some time with a successful sales person, try and take them up on that. Your ability to hire talent, give performance reviews, and haggling over scope with other teams will all benefit.
As a manager you'll likely have a bit more stress as you're acting as a shit shield for your team, and are ultimately on the hook for delivering a lot more. Finding ways to de-stress are key. Make sure you have a good gym routine, set up time to regularly speak with your shrink or career coach, and make sure you're taking the time to do whatever it is you need to do to stay healthy and energized.
This is far from a complete list, but here are 3 books that I think are good books I'd recommend for anyone moving into a leadership role.
* The First 90 Days: Proven Strategies for Getting Up to Speed Faster and Smarter, Updated and Expanded: Michael D. Watkins: 8601200550153: Amazon.com: Books || https://www.amazon.com/First-90-Days-Strategies-Expanded/dp/...
* What They Teach You at Harvard Business School: My Two Years Inside the Cauldron of Capitalism: By (author) Philip Delves Broughton: 9780141046488: Amazon.com: Books || https://www.amazon.com/What-Teach-Harvard-Business-School/dp...
* How to Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie: 8937485909400: Amazon.com: Books || https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
You want to create an urgent need in the reader for whatever it is you're trying to convey. What problem are they facing? How can you position them as the hero that will solve that problem, and how will they use your product, information, or point of view to become the hero of their own story.
It seems that you're feeling that your points are being understood or acknowledged, despite the fact that you know you have important information to convey.
We all want to be heard and to be valuable contributors, and I'll share that I've personally found the best way to be heard is to listen. By framing the presentation of your information in terms of your audience's problems and needs, you allow them relax. You haven't just heard their point, you're addressing it.
Now you can use the shared momentum of their attention and needs to guide them towards the solution you're proposing.
When done well, you'll make people feel profoundly heard and that you are empowering them solve their own problems, using ideas or suggestions they might have otherwise rejected if presented as simple fact or advice.
If you'd like to learn more, I'd recommend two fantastic books on the topic:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
https://www.amazon.com/Building-StoryBrand-Clarify-Message-C...
Despite their titles (and apparent focus on marketing), these books are both about empathy, listening, and finding ways to convey information that resonate deeply with your listeners.
later, it was time for https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
Charisma on Command channel for social skills. https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand
Personally I also really like a lot of the talks from Tony Robbins when it comes to emotional intelligence and personal psychology. I listen to them on youtube while I'm cleaning fairly often. He can be a bit over the top and rambly for some people though and I do disagree with some things. But it's a good starting point on what to think about.
This is a classic book that you can finish in one night. If you don't like reading there's an audiobook version as well. It's also recommended by pg and yc
http://www.audible.com/pd/Business/How-to-Win-Friends-Influe...
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
[1] Crossing the chasm (Marketing related)
[2] Peopleware (HR related)
[3] How to win friends and influence people (HR related)
[4] The Goal (Business related)
[5] Critical chain (Project management related)
[6] Who moved my cheese (Change management related)
and any of the lean / agile businessy books for ex.
[7] The lean startup
These might not be viewed as traditional MBA material, but my course featured some of these along with more traditional academic books on subjects like financial management, people management, operations etc. I can provide these textbooks to you as well if you like.
*Amazon links just for convenience, no affiliation.
[1] http://www.amazon.com/Crossing-Chasm-3rd-Disruptive-Mainstre...
[2] http://www.amazon.com/Peopleware-Productive-Projects-Teams-3...
[3] http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
[4] http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0884271951?keywords=eli%20g...
[5] http://www.amazon.com/Critical-Chain-Eliyahu-M-Goldratt/dp/0...
[6] http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144...
[7] http://www.amazon.com/Lean-Startup-Entrepreneurs-Continuous-...
I read that book yearly, and learn something every time.
Daniel Pink - To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others http://www.amazon.com/Sell-Human-Surprising-Moving-Others/dp...
Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends & Influence People http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
As you understand the macro details of sales, the more micro things (tactics, strategies, best practices) are probably best served by specific industry or specific aspects of sales. For example:
http://www.amazon.com/Behind-Cloud-Salesforce-com-Billion-Do...
http://www.amazon.com/Sales-Acceleration-Formula-Technology-...
http://www.amazon.com/Predictable-Revenue-Business-Practices...
I also really like Jason Lemkin and his SaaStr blog: http://www.saastr.com/ Loads of SaaS sales practices on there.
"Even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15% of one's [financial] success is due one's technical knowledge and about 85% is due to skill in human engineering, to personality and the ability to lead people."
In this sense a few books about mastering that 85%:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Found-Freedom-Unfree-World-ebook/d...
http://www.amazon.com/48-Laws-Power-Robert-Greene/dp/0140280...
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
http://www.amazon.com/Long-Walk-Freedom-Autobiography-Mandel...
Be genuinely interested in other people and they will like you. Respect their opinions even if you disagree.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
You already kind of seem to know the solution: Work on your social skills.
Read this http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
Sign up for internet dating and go on dates with strangers. You will soon discover everyone is awkward and it is all okay.
Or go to tech meetups. Ask people about themselves and just listen to what people have to say. People love to talk about themselves and you can learn a lot about them and yourself.
It will be hard It will be awkward It will feel really strange at first
But being really good at connecting with other people is vital to getting the jobs you want. Having hard skills is important too, but you seem to already have those.
Good luck.
I've read these three books (Nice Guy then Friends and then Models) over the past few months and they have really taught me how to build up my confidence.
I recently started reading How to win friends and influence people[1], by Dale Carnegie and already after 4 chapters it has changed how I think about how I interact with people. Get yourself a copy of this book and read it.
[1]: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
[1] http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/d...
[2] http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
[3] http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap
Edit: it looks like this was on the front page, but the HN is only for programming topics crowd seems to have flagged it into oblivion
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living - http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671...
How to Win Friends & Influence People - http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
To get someone to do something, you have to make them want to do it. That sounds pretty straightforward, but really, that's what it comes down to.
Others have suggested that at work, being a manager is the most straightforward way to make someone do something. That's because you have the authority to fire them if they don't.
You can influence people without being a manager though. Heard of the carrot and the stick? The carrot dictates that you can convince someone that something good will happen if they do something. "You might get promoted" or "I'll brag about you to the boss" or "I'll give you a cookie". An example of "the stick" would be if you threaten to complain about a peer to their boss that they're not doing their job.
Outside of work it's a lot trickier. If people think you'll do the work for them and they can just benefit, they're only too happy to go that route. You can appeal to their sense of guilt. "Hey Bob, remember last week when you said you'd send me a file? Just wanted to remind you". Appealing to their sense of justice works in some instances. The easiest way is if you can manage to get someone genuinely excited and then get them involved while the iron's hot.
If you get a chance, take the Dale Carnegie course. Read the book at least. http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
When I read this book, the timing was perfect and I credit it with refocusing my mind when it comes to relationships. Critics usually say that it's all just common sense, and I would agree -- however, these critics miss the fact that common sense is rarely common practice.
I recall my first few interactions after reading the first half of the book, and the stuff works, plain and simple. I wanted to kick myself for being so oblivious.
It sounds like you are already aware of the importance of relationships, so I would say, give it a shot and don't get discouraged. With practice, it will become easier (almost second nature when you see how positive the results are). You can also find some great summaries of this book online. Due to an overwhelmingly positive experience with this book, I later searched for further reading on the topic and ended up with "Ethics for the New Millennium" by the Dalai Lama -- this book helped to bring into focus the underlying "truth" of "How to Win Friends & Influence People" and is a nice follow up... good luck!
http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.htm... (Summary)
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
http://www.amazon.com/Ethics-New-Millennium-Dalai-Lama/dp/15...
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
I don't know if it's as "step-by-step" as you're looking for, but it's a classic and still quite popular -- I think it'll at least be a good starting point for you.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
This book also immediately came to mind (there are lots of great free summaries online): http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
It's probably nothing you haven't heard before, but as they say, common sense is often not common practice. I think, in the end, you will only improve and gain confidence with practice. Some specific tactics that might help:
- Ask leading questions rather than directly stating your point.
- Before a meeting, create a mental image of yourself having successful exchanges with the other attendees.
- Work hard to be better informed/prepared than others in the meeting.
Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us -- Dan Pink (http://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates...)
Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? -- Seth Godin (http://www.amazon.com/Linchpin-Are-Indispensable-Seth-Godin/...)
The Laws of Simplicity -- John Maeda (http://www.amazon.com/Laws-Simplicity-Design-Technology-Busi...)
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance -- Robert M. Persig (http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Motorcycle-Maintenance-Inquiry...)
Invisible Man -- Ralph Ellison (http://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0679732...)
How to Win Friends and Influence People -- Dale Carnegie (http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...)
The Kindle app has really got me buying a lot of books that I now need to finish...
It's helped me immensely in getting over my geekdom, and learning how to relate to people easier. Your mileage may vary.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/06...
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0...