Found in 14 comments on Hacker News
btilly · 2023-05-10 · Original thread
...though it’s possible that someone without personal exposure to these issues could mistakenly think otherwise.

Please do not mistake differing opinions for ignorance.

My father grew up in a time and place where they were persecuted by the KKK for being Irish. I have a half-brother on that side who lives on a native reservation. My half-sisters on the other side were half-Chinese at a time when public opinion absolutely condemned interracial marriage. I have close friends from many different cultures, who have arrived in a wide variety of difference circumstances. Including my wife, who was a refugee from the Soviet Union.

All this has taught me that the more real the problems that you face, the MORE important it becomes to focus on that which remains within your control, while trying to shrug off that which isn't. You'd absolutely be in the right to go around being upset at the world for being unfair to you. But your justified outrage amplifies your problems, and makes your life worse.

The positions that you put down as "suck it up" are therefore the best advice that I know of to improve things. To the extent that individuals and groups do that, they make their lives better. Both in the short term, and the long term. I have seen the truth of this, both for my family and for my friends.

I hold this position based on experience, not ignorance.

If it still sounds crazy, I highly recommend reading In particular for its "backwards law". Which says that trying to hold on to a good thing is a bad experience, and accepting a bad thing is a good one. Nobody wants the bad thing to be true. But if the bad thing is true, the act of consciously recognizing and accepting it is far better than the alternative. (The rest of the book is full of other good advice that flies in the face of common preconceptions.)

btilly · 2022-10-06 · Original thread
I know well how strong feelings run on this.

But there is zero experimental evidence that memories get recovered, and lots of evidence about how easy it is to create false memories. We have lots of cases where recovered memories contradict objective evidence. Memories "recovered" tie to the therapist more than anything else (one will specialize in satanic rituals, the next in a series of terminated pregnancies). And so on.

Therefore I concluded decades ago that we should presume recovered memories to be false unless there is specific evidence otherwise.

Now you say, Many CSA survivors today now say that the obsessive focus on "false memories" has been a significant obstacle to healing from their trauma and being able to discuss it openly. But who are you counting as "CSA survivors"? Those like myself whose memories were never "recovered"? Or people who claim to have suppressed their memories and then later "recovered" them? Because those two groups have very different sets of experiences. And often very different opinions. Particularly about the phenomena of "recovered memories".

Regardless of which definition you use, here is the most important lesson that I learned about recovery. What actually happened is not very important. The dynamics which enabled the abuse, come from it, and with which we harm ourselves ARE important. And these are things that exist and can be dealt with in the present, with no regard to our unreliable memories of the past. Indeed the act of dwelling on those past memories brings grief and unhappiness, and elaborating on them serves no useful purpose.

Related, I learned the hard way that what feels good for me, and what IS good for me, are often very different. As says in its backward law, "Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience; accepting a negative experience is a positive experience." Trying to place the blame for my problems entirely on an external abuser, no matter how real that abuser is, becomes a negative experience. By contrast accepting the ways in which I have perpetuated the experience of being abused becomes a positive experience.

Therefore while publicly rehearsing the details of a person's recovered memories may feel good in the moment, I firmly believe that the act of doing so CAUSES trauma, and works AGAINST healing. And indeed the belief that it is helpful is due to incorrect theories about therapy - the same theories by which false memories can wind up implanted.

airstrike · 2020-07-09 · Original thread
Or as Mark Manson put it, people give so many fucks about petty things because they have nothing more important to give a fuck about.

airstrike · 2020-07-02 · Original thread
More people need to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

octosphere · 2018-12-24 · Original thread
+1 for the Mark Manson reference. Loved this post in particular:

What I love is how explains the various tradeoffs and opportunity costs of having one thing, but not the other.

His book the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is a must-read too:

rk06 · 2018-11-04 · Original thread
Give this book a try: The subtle art of not giving a fuck[1].

It is about being happy and putting an end to negative thoughts.


rakoo · 2018-10-29 · Original thread
I've been reading "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" ( and there's one point I try to follow: if you don't have control over something, then you shouldn't let it emotionally affect you, aka "you shouldn't give a fuck". Otherwise your life will be emotionally driven by things outside of your command and you'll just become insane.

Example: you can prepare all you want for a job interview or a date, dress appropriately, rehearse all you need, this is all something you control. But ultimately you have no control over their final decision, so you shouldn't let it negatively affect you and be mad/sad/puzzled. Reach for rationality, understand why you failed and improve on this for the next time

glorithm · 2018-07-13 · Original thread
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson

Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, by Kim Scott

epicide · 2017-07-03 · Original thread
That quote is fantastic. Definitely gonna check out the whole book.

Another book that sounds similar is The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck ( I don't know exactly how it compares to The Gifts of Imperfection as I haven't read the latter. The former talks about how you aren't as special as you have been told and how that's not only perfectly okay, but really freeing.

You learn to forgive yourself once you get over yourself. Stop acting like you can be some perfect being and have a happy life if you just: earn lots of money, get that fancy car, get married, etc. They won't make you happy in and of themselves.

The same goes for your career, too. Some things are going to suck and that's okay. You can't fix everything and "you only have so many fucks to give". You have to constantly decide what to give a fuck about and stop giving a fuck about things you don't. That last part sounds redundant, but can be hard to actually do.

gbersac · 2017-06-04 · Original thread
I am a huge fan of mark manson and I highly recommand his book "the subtle art of not giving a fuck". Great advice on how to live a happy life :
qntmfred · 2017-02-04 · Original thread
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

ggregoire · 2016-12-05 · Original thread
The people who appreciate your projects and would love to thank you everyday for your amazing work are the silent majority.

See Font Awesome 5. When they announced the KickStarter on HN, a minority criticized the existing library (like how the lib is shitty) or their future plans (like how having a pro version is wrong). But at the end, they raised almost $1 million. That shows how the biggest part of the community is really thankful.

If FA5 can raise $1M, I can't even imagine how much could raise Babel, Webpack or Homebrew. You made our lives so much easier.


Also, can't recommend enough this book:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life -

tcrews · 2016-11-20 · Original thread
I can relate to that and part of it is probably because we don't want to be left out, we don't want to miss the latest technology that will make us obsolete, etc.

1) Reading HN all the time creates a false sense that things are moving much faster than they really are.

2) I'd suggesting reading "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and it'll remind you your time is finite

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