Found in 2 comments on Hacker News
specialist · 2020-12-29 · Original thread
The book When Anger Hurts changed my life.

Thesis is that anger is the result of a cascade.

Expectations -> Disappointment -> Resentment -> Blame -> Anger

(From memory, will update if needed.)

So the trick is update one's expectations, short circuit the cascade before it can even start.

Separately, I learned that we can only replace habits with new habits, vs unlearn habits. Completely out of ideas, I faked being happy. One day I woke up, said to myself "Phenomenal!", and truly meant it. I was shocked that it worked. My whole transformation took about three years. YMMV. (Maybe having a life coach would work faster.)

specialist · 2020-04-29 · Original thread
"...when I was trying hard to figure out how to put down my anger instead of continuing to cling to it."

McKay's book When Anger Hurts got me onto the right path. TLDR: Anger starts with expectations. Which leads to disappointment, resentment, blame, and then lands on anger. I keep hoping for followups; surely the state of the art has progressed since.

The next plateau for me was figuring out how to unlearn my anger habit. I heard that habits can only be replaced. So I decided to pretend being happy, positive. Why not? Nothing else worked and I was out ideas.

I was really surprised that it worked.

Next plateau for me was dealing with anxiety. Maybe half of my symptoms had a physiological origin. Only discovered after a lumbar fusion and my anxiety was mostly gone. In retrospect, I'm grumpy for all the wasted effort and misc treatments endured (eg SSRIs).

I still don't have much clue about dealing with trauma, PTSD. I'd like to try psychotropics (shrooms, MDMA), but have had trouble finding trustworthy suppliers.


Thanks to u/Dowwie for Bone's Feeling Good tip. Somehow hadn't seen that before. Will try it.

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